I don’t think anybody could ever accuse me of not being generally open and honest about what I think and feel about stuff on my blog. I am, most of the time, wholly myself (if slightly edited for profanity and anything that might be offensive or potentially damaging to my career). This is, I think, the appeal to those of you who are my regular readers, who actually bother to come back day after day to see what I’m blathering on about. I let it all hang out, so to speak. I talk about the good, the bad, and today I want to talk about the scary.
I am, in many circles, held up as a success. I do All The Things. I work full time (and then some). I eat healthy. I exercise. I have an agent. I self published and have sold well. I had a book nominated for the freaking DABWAHA awards (the ONLY self pubbed book in the mix).
And y’all? There are still days I feel like a total failure.
Those days when I make the EGREGIOUS (wonderful word, that) error of not keeping my eyes on my own paper. See, I know that there will always be someone further ahead of me in the publishing journey. There will always be someone more successful than me. And 99% of the time, I’m good at ignoring that in relation to me because I am continually working on my goals.
One of those goals is still pursuing traditional publishing. I admit it. I still want to land an amazing contract with the Big Six. And the book I’m working on now may be my ticket exactly to that. Which is all well and good. In a perfect world, I would be able to put out something to shop traditional and something to self pub in a year.
I get daily reminders that we do not live in a perfect world.
I’m sitting here halfway through DOTH (which I feel is, hands down, the best thing I’ve ever done), noting that we are past the halfway point of the year. I’ll certainly finish it before the end of the year, but there is a strong chance I won’t finish it early enough to knock out and release a self pub project. Which would mean no new releases in 2012. At all.
And that is freaking me out.
It’s not a money thing. Given the full time + employment, the inevitable slow-down in sales is not a crippling thing (I just need to curb my gourmet food budget and book buying some). But I live in abject terror that all the momentum I built, the fanbase I’ve worked to create–will forget me.
I fully realize how illogical this is.
I write well, and I’ve been blessed that a lot of people have liked my books. When I release a new one, they will find it. It may not be in the first week or month, but they’ll hear about it. And they will buy it, and things will start all over again.
But knowing something with one’s rational brain and feeling it are two entirely different things.
I don’t like writing from a place of fear. I don’t like doing anything from a place of fear (except perhaps running from the zombies, but I think fear is wholly appropriate under those circumstances), so when I get into this toxic mode of thinking, it just flat pisses me off. And it’s mostly pure, blind, mule-headed stubbornness that pulls me out. And copious amounts of chocolate. And all of you, my wonderful, glorious friends who remind me of what I did right (and of all the people who are actually doing worse than me to give me some perspective).
So, there you have it. Super Woman totally does get afraid of stuff sometimes. And that right there just might be headline news.