The Hell Project at the Evil Day Job is drawing to a close. I’ll be doing some traveling for final data collection from now to December and then it’ll be done. Thanks be to every possible deity.
But there’s little room for celebration as the various and sundry potential projects lining up promise to be every bit as sucky. My primary job is purely grant funded, so whatever my boss gets a hair to write a grant for that gets funded, that’s what we do.
My knee-jerk response to this is to cross every spare appendage and send up a prayer that between now and then I will get a break in publishing that will allow me to get the hell out. The prospect of more crappy projects makes me want to curl up in a ball and become agoraphobic (no disrespect intended to anyone who legitimately suffers from this debilitating anxiety disorder).
But, you know, I’ve been off on this whole positivity kick trying to find the good in everything, so I’m trying to shut away that knee jerk response to find something to be grateful for and positive about (above and beyond the whole being able to pay the mortgage and put food on the table part). I intellectually recognize the arrogance and entitlement (something my generation is known for) in thinking that I should be successful by now. That the world somehow owes me this. And I absolutely grasp the concept that without the life struggles I’ve endured up to now, my writing would be the poorer for it.
But y’all, the prospect of having another year or more of crappy projects, on top of starting a family next year (otherwise known as life’s biggest time suck, no matter how cute), and trying to find the time and creative energy to keep writing in the middle of all that–I don’t know how I will do it.
Make no mistake. I will do it because doing otherwise is not an option and I am the Queen of Nike Living (Just do it), but y’all, I’m tired. This crap is soul sucking. I’ve been doing it for years, and there’s a part of me that continues to wonder when I’ll just crack. Because the body and mind can only take so much, you know? Entitlement or not, when do I get a damn break?