On The Other Side of Freak Out
Phase 1 Freakout Complete
Well, at least until the rest of my critiques come back. I’ll have a fresh round then, no doubt.
My husband is 33. He’s all the time saying he’s old, which annoys me given I’m only 6 months younger and I am NOT old, yo. But for some reason, I have in my head that if this whole writing as a career thing doesn’t happen like RIGHT NOW (or in the next 3-5 years), it’ll never happen, and it spawns this whole NO TIME, TICKING TIME BOMB Freak Out that’s not terribly logical. My grandmother turns 97 tomorrow. I’ve got long lived genes in my family tree. I’ve got time. And it annoys me that I let myself get dragged into that state (though, hey, it proves I’m human and not the first wave of advanced androids sent from the future to take over the world).
Part of it is that whole soul sucking nature of the evil day job. Some days are worse than others. This last year was rough based on the project from hell. We’re winding that up in January, so I’ll have a few months’ reprieve from that to work on some other projects that usually get tabled when we’re on a deadline. Also not necessarily fun, but stuff that means I can stay in my little cave and work instead of getting out into the field and having to juggle shit after normal working hours (which really wrought havoc on my writing schedule this year). And I’m working on a long term plan to make a transition into teaching full time–which means writing more classes, which is SUCH AN EPIC TIME SUCK (and then it’s done). Which I don’t exactly love either, but I find preferable.
I worked so hard during my 20s that in my early 30s I feel like I’ve already earned retirement. Another 15+ years of that is not what you call appealing. And there’s that inner part of me that looks at that prospect and wants to curl up and die. THAT’S the part that freaks out and wants to tunnel out of the prison with a spoon.
I’m not special in this. I’d wager probably 90%+ of people don’t actually like their job. I think what puts me in the minority is that I KNOW my passion, I KNOW what I should be doing instead, and I have less than zero patience when it comes to being able to do that, resenting every person and thing that gets in the way of it. Such that I guard my writing time with the same obsessive frenzy that Gollum feels for The One Ring.
Don’t you touch my preciousssssssssss, bitch!
Must work on coping skills…
Today is my last day of vacation that’s not dedicated to other stuff, so we need to get down the Christmas tree, and if I’m going to get it done, painting the foyer. I’m about to make some breakfast and get started on my words for the day so that they’re out of the way. Regardless of what happens with DOTH, I won’t have to rewrite the whole thing, and definitively, the bunny (which REALLY needs a title) and Riven will get done and released this year. That’s more than I released last year.