On The Other Side of Freak Out

Phase 1 Freakout Complete

Well, at least until the rest of my critiques come back.  I’ll have a fresh round then, no doubt.

My husband is 33.   He’s all the time saying he’s old, which annoys me given I’m only 6 months younger and I am NOT old, yo.  But for some reason, I have in my head that if this whole writing as a career thing doesn’t happen like RIGHT NOW (or in the next 3-5 years), it’ll never happen, and it spawns this whole NO TIME, TICKING TIME BOMB Freak Out that’s not terribly logical.  My grandmother turns 97 tomorrow.  I’ve got long lived genes in my family tree.  I’ve got time.  And it annoys me that I let myself get dragged into that state (though, hey, it proves I’m human and not the first wave of advanced androids sent from the future to take over the world).

Part of it is that whole soul sucking nature of the evil day job.  Some days are worse than others.  This last year was rough based on the project from hell.  We’re winding that up in January, so I’ll have a few months’ reprieve from that to work on some other projects that usually get tabled when we’re on a deadline.  Also not necessarily fun, but stuff that means I can stay in my little cave and work instead of getting out into the field and having to juggle shit after normal working hours (which really wrought havoc on my writing schedule this year).  And I’m working on a long term plan to make a transition into teaching full time–which means writing more classes, which is SUCH AN EPIC TIME SUCK (and then it’s done).   Which I don’t exactly love either, but I find preferable.

I worked so hard during my 20s that in my early 30s I feel like I’ve already earned retirement.  Another 15+ years of that is not what you call appealing.  And there’s that inner part of me that looks at that prospect and wants to curl up and die.  THAT’S the part that freaks out and wants to tunnel out of the prison with a spoon.

I’m not special in this.  I’d wager probably 90%+ of people don’t actually like their job.  I think what puts me in the minority is that I KNOW my passion, I KNOW what I should be doing instead, and I have less than zero patience when it comes to being able to do that, resenting every person and thing that gets in the way of it.  Such that I guard my writing time with the same obsessive frenzy that Gollum feels for The One Ring.

Don’t you touch my preciousssssssssss, bitch!

RAWR!

Must work on coping skills…

Today is my last day of vacation that’s not dedicated to other stuff, so we need to get down the Christmas tree, and if I’m going to get it done, painting the foyer.  I’m about to make some breakfast and get started on my words for the day so that they’re out of the way.  Regardless of what happens with DOTH, I won’t have to rewrite the whole thing, and definitively, the bunny (which REALLY needs a title) and Riven will get done and released this year.  That’s more than I released last year.

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8 comments

  1. LOL. I started writing (for realz) at 36, and published my first book at 37. I’m 42 now, and definitely feel the “Happen NOW!” pressure, even though I also know this isn’t a sprint but a long term effort.

    The difference is that my day job isn’t evil, nor much of a time suck (it’s part time), as we’ve been mostly self-employed since about 2002. However, I also very much resent anything that gets between writing time and me, because I know that if I don’t finish and release more new titles, it’s going to take that much longer to even hope to earn a living from writing.

    Tell your husband to stop moaning about being old. That’s not allowed until 45. ;)

  2. I’m 20 years older than you. Tick tock, tick tock. LOL

    I think if you liked your day job, the pressure to get your writing career going wouldn’t be so urgent. But, I can say as someone who actually kind of likes my day job, it’s still frustrating. It has to be so much worse for you since your day job is EVIL. I’ve always thought things should progress faster for you than they are because you’re so darn talented. Maybe it just takes time and patience for everything to finally happen. I still believe it’s going to happen big for you someday.

  3. I’ll be 32 at the end of the month and I feel the ticking of the clock too. The knowing your passion thing, I understand due to my husband being the same as you (replace writing with a RPG & board game store, though). Basically, you are not alone, We only have one choice (imho), keep fighting to make the dreams come true.

  4. I’m a touch more than 33, and I’m not old either, yo.

    Also, I’m with you on the EDJ, but I need to do more of the gollum-guarding of my writing time than I have been…

  5. Nah, the job thing makes no difference. I like my job a lot – great benefits, great people, get to edit a lot – but that doesn’t mean I want to devote 30+ years of my life to the dang thing (it’s been 10 already – eep! longest job I’ve ever had – and I’m the same age as you). I want to WRITE. I want to have time to explore plot bunnies as they come and edit one story while drafting another. It’s galling that the world is set up in such a way that we have to work to make money to live for too many years before retirement. Where does life go?

  6. In the early 1990′s I was where you are. Same age same feelings same fears. Twenty plus years later I am Multi published (not via NY) and now the worry is that I won’t get all my work accomplished before I die. Believe me time goes very quickly. But your passion for what you love will be the magic carpet ride. Best, k

  7. In days of old, people kept their trees lit through the dark months of winter. I use this for my excuse every year to not worry about taking down Christmas stuff till the first weekend of February. Granted, that’s not exactly SPRING time yet, but by then I can muster the motivation to move past the End-of-Year holidays & on to Valentine’s Day. This has kept me from stressing out & overheating because SERIOUSLY, the holiday before-n-after stress is just too much to bear. Pretending I have a valid reason to put things off is so, so nice. People ask me why my tree is still up, & I totally dodge the bullet by telling them I’m pagan or whatever. They don’t like it, they don’t have to sit in my living room, LMAO!!! :)

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