The 10 Most Mockable Moments in Snow White and The Huntsman

So yesterday hubs and I went to see Snow White and the Huntsman.  Given the stars in the cast, I was expecting everybody to be pretty good except Kristen Stewart, whom I have yet to see playing someone other than Bella Swan, no matter who she’s actually been cast as.  At the end, the best we could say was that this movie was awesome, only insomuch as the massive fodder for mocking.  Not even on her best day could Kristen Stewart ever compare to Charlize Theron as fairest of them all.  And, frankly, there was not nearly enough of Chris Hemsworth’s abs to make up for the failings in the plot (I was willing to forgive a lot in Thor).  All in all (lack of abs aside), I felt he was the only one to turn in a really stellar performance, though Charlize’s evil queen had possibilities that really weren’t fully realized.  I dug the backstory they alluded to and wished there’d been a bit more done with it.

So I give you, in no particular order, my top ten most mockable moments in Snow White and the Huntsman (spoilers for those who haven’t seen the movie):

  1. First off, the supposedly wise king gets taken in by this beautiful prisoner of war he rescues, so much so that he marries her in a day.  Because we all know it’s not necessary to remotely get to know our potential bride.  We should know on first sight that she’s going to stab us through the heart on our wedding night.
  2. The queen’s creepy brother has possibly the worst haircut ever seen in a fairy tale.  It looked like they started out trying to do a sort of monkish bowl-cut and then a two year old gave him bangs.  Don’t get me wrong.  He was still creepy and definitely not right, but the hair made it hard for me to take him seriously as a credible threat.
  3. Fast forward a decade or so and Snow White escapes the palace on the sea cliffs, plunges into the sea, and comes out onto the beach where there just happens to be a white horse laying down, just waiting to carry her away from the palace soldiers on her tail.  I’m sorry, was this supposed to be a hornless unicorn from Legend?  Because a lot was being made of Snow White’s alleged purity and goodness.
  4. Then said horse carries her on a chase redolent of Arwen’s mad dash to get Frodo to safety and away from the ring wraiths in The Fellowship of the Ring (and Liv Tyler is hands down the better rider).
  5. And then said horse gets mired in the dark swamp and begins to sink, a la Artax sinking into the quicksand of the Nothing in The Neverending Story.
  6. Snow White then flees into the dark forest, which is really the Fireswamp on steroids, with some really kick ass hallucinogenic plantlife thrown in.  Nice homage to The Princess Bride.  
  7. After a capture and rescue by Thor, oh, no, I’m sorry, the huntsman, he and Snow White end up being captured by the dwarves (truly the most redeeming feature of this movie–I really loved the dwarves) and taken into Ferngully.  No, seriously.  The fairies (and since when are there fairies in Snow White?) looked exactly like residents from the rain forest.
  8. The Ferngully fairies then lead Snow White through the woods and over a big ridge where there’s an enormous light shining, and the blind dwarf (who was supposed to be Doc, I think), says “He’s coming!”  Who?  Aslan?  Pretty sure that exact same shot was used for Narnia.
  9. After various other adventures, they finally make it to the castle of their allies, where Snow White gives what is supposed to be an inspirational speech that mostly inspired me to want to leave the theater.  This was the longest stretch of dialogue she has in the whole movie (clearly the director also realized that Kristen Stewart is stuck as Bella and was trying to avoid having to have her speak much and reveal that fact).
  10. But her compatriots are roused and suddenly she is Snow of Arc, in perfectly fitting chain mail and armor that they just HAPPENED to have lying around in skinny, flat-chested, might be a crack addict size.  And she marches in to face the queen and drops her shield.  Because of course all she needs is the sword she’s never been taught to weild.

My general feeling was that, while cinemagraphically beautiful, this movie was a great concept with poor execution.  The whole thing fell very short of my expectations and felt very rushed and thrown together.  Mirror, Mirror was definitely the better of the two, IMO.

21 thoughts on “The 10 Most Mockable Moments in Snow White and The Huntsman

  1. OMG! You really summed this up well. It’s a medley of other, far better movies, making me think it was plotted out by 8 twenty-somethings sitting at a table in a bar at midnight playing drinking games. I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing out loud several times.

    Particularly the “Aslan” scene. My daughter and I are still joking about how our obese dog that we got from the Humane Society in April could be a movie star if we just tied a rack on his head. He’s shedding horribly so I also joke about putting my daughter in never-dirty-even-after-wallowing-in-sewers clothing and reenacting that scene. Fortunately, the dog does not understand our words or he would beg us to do that rather than force him to be in a movie with Kristen Stewart.

    And don’t even get me started on that final ‘battle’. OMG! Because everyone storms a castle with no intelligence and virtually no plan and throws down their shield and stands there like a dork the moment they’re finally facing the evil queen. It’s a good thing I was in the back row because my daughter almost had to tie me down.

    And I only disagree with one thing you said. I don’t think she’s stuck as Bella. I think she’s stuck as Kristen Stewart. Someone please give her a box of animal crackers and a sippy cup and bring a real, grown-up actress. Oh, yeah. And some grown up screen writers, too, who actually have an idea that didn’t come from their last two weeks of Netflix fare.

    LOL. I think that’s the biggest rant I’ve ever had on social media. Thank you for the opportunity to vent. 🙂

  2. Zoe told me almost the exact things, even about the Ferngully fairies. LOL. I never did figure out why they would cast Kristen Stewart as someone who’s supposed to be fairer than Charlize Theron. I’ve always thought Charlize was very beautiful, and there’s no way Kristen Stewart comes close. Especially with the perpetual constipated look on her face.

    There are two reasons I want to watch this movie. 1) For the awesome scenery I’ve seen on the trailers, and 2) Simply to LOOK at Chris Hemsworth. He doesn’t even have to act. LOL.

  3. Hahaha well put. I forgot about the other movies. I was stuck on Princess Mononoke, 300 and Snow of Arc made me spit coffee. It is a shame she is stuck in that role but I agree with Piper. She is Kristen Stewart and should never be allowed to have voice overs. What was with all the close ups on her teeth?

    To be honest, I kind of liked the movie despite all the bad.

  4. Hmm… based on this review, I shall wait til this movie pops up on the NetFlix screen for free. That is so interesting, Kait, how you compared scenes in this movie to other movies… 🙂 And my boyfriend says that Kristen Stewart has a face like she always smell poo.
    btw – I got to check out this Chris Hemsworth… since you gals seem to have some nice things to say about him.

  5. I agree with you totally. As I was watching the movie, I’d lean over to my daughter and be like there were never fairies in Snow White. Or that looks like a scene from the Princess Bride. And then when the fairies took her to see the white stag. Um, what did that even have to do with anything? I was like is that supposed to be Bambi’s dad or Aslan from Narnia? And the what was with the geography of the lands they were traveling. They would travel for days searching, but then when it was time to go to battle, they rode their horses over to the castle in like 5 seconds. I could go on and on, but I’ll stop now. Oh except for the “evil brother’s” hair. OMG it made me laugh every time I saw him.

  6. OMG I love this. I had completely forgotten about the white horse! How could I forget that! I remember saying something at the time about “really? A WHITE horse just happens to be LAYING there? really?!” Talk about Duex ex Machina! I want to slap the writers on this one. All that money to make a quality film, and all those effects and gorgeous costumes and all that, and they gave it such a piss-poor effort in the writing department that it’s only good for mocking.

    I also hadn’t put together the “dark forest” with “fire swamp” but you’re totally right! lol. Had I been writing this, I’d have left out the whole “fairest of them all” crap, and I’d have had Snow White escape as a child in the confusion and grow up in the dark forest, able to master the hallucinogenic plants. 😀

  7. Yes!! I saw it this weekend and all I could think of were the movies it was ripping off. The Never Ending Story, Lord of the Rings, Legend, Narnia–SPOT ON with your observations, it was exactly what I was thinking! It was like “How to Make a Fantasy Movie: The Paint By Numbers Edition”.

  8. Yes! This is everything my husband and I were mocking at the end of the movie and then some! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought “fireswamp rip-off.” And that white stag in the middle of the magical glen really got to me. Really? What was he supposed to be? If he had some special significance, they really didn’t let us in on it.

    I’ll spare you the repeat of the rant I’ve had on almost every blog about this movie involving Kristen Stewart and the “motivational” speech that came out more frantic and screamy than anything remotely inspiring.

  9. Laughing reading through your points. I enjoyed it but it’s never going to rival films like The Lord of the Rings, Robin Hood and Gladiator. I yawned my way though Snow White’s speech.
    A better version of this fairytale is the dark retelling starring Sigourney Weaver as the evil stepmother. It’s called Snow White: A Tale of Terror.

  10. I’m going to see this movie tonight (my mom loves Kristen Stewart and is obsessed with Twilight) for my mom’s birthday. I am fully prepared now and will make the most of the Chris Hemsworth. Also, I adore Charlize Theron, so it’ll be nice to see her again (just saw her in Prometheus), being evil and stuff.

  11. “I’m sorry, was this supposed to be a hornless unicorn from Legend?” *dies laughing*
    Also agree with Jennifer’s comment about Princess Mononoke, that was EXACTLY what I was thinking when she sees the white stag and the fairies in the forest.

    Also, Chris Hemsworth should be in every movie. HE’S the fairest of them all.

  12. Hilarious review. I loved all the movie references. I wouldn’t have caught even half of them. I get to go to movies so rarely that I’m passing this one and waiting for the DVD. My movie choice will be Prometheus instead.

  13. Missed the Narnia one, because I refuse to watch those, but wow you hit it right on the head. My wife and I kept looking at each other going, “didn’t that come from…” and “wait that was in…” and then, “OMG you have to be joking” – but yeah, the settings were awesome. So was the queen’s armor at the end – she really should have stomped this version of Snow White, maybe it would have been better with a Villain wins ending.

  14. I’m the odd girl out here since I loved this movie, not Kristen Stewart, mind you, but Chris Hemsworth. Anytime they were on screen together I just watched him. When I was reading your part about the motivational speech I had totally forgotten about that whiny bit of movie madness. I must’ve been dreaming about giving Chris a bath or something.

    I think my favorite bad part was at the end when Snow tells the Queen, ‘You can’t have my heart.’ Um, you just stabbed her, of course she can’t have it you dimwit, she’s dying!

    And yes, I was looking for ROUS’s in the fire swamp. They might’ve added some fun to the creepy/hallucinogenic forest. Still, I’d see it again and love it just as much.

  15. Fun fact: Liv Tyler only rode on a barrel. 😀

    Hm, too bad I keep hearing such bad reviews from the movie. Was hoping it to be better. 🙁 Well, at least Prometheus didn’t disappoint me.

  16. Well, I was on the fence for whether to see this in the theatre. This post decides it. I will wait for the DVD, or perhaps a surgery from which I’m recovering where I need some entertainment but don’t need to recall the movie because I’m on serious pain meds; then I’ll pull this title out. Thanks, Kait!

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