So yesterday hubs and I went to see Snow White and the Huntsman. Given the stars in the cast, I was expecting everybody to be pretty good except Kristen Stewart, whom I have yet to see playing someone other than Bella Swan, no matter who she’s actually been cast as. At the end, the best we could say was that this movie was awesome, only insomuch as the massive fodder for mocking. Not even on her best day could Kristen Stewart ever compare to Charlize Theron as fairest of them all. And, frankly, there was not nearly enough of Chris Hemsworth’s abs to make up for the failings in the plot (I was willing to forgive a lot in Thor). All in all (lack of abs aside), I felt he was the only one to turn in a really stellar performance, though Charlize’s evil queen had possibilities that really weren’t fully realized. I dug the backstory they alluded to and wished there’d been a bit more done with it.
So I give you, in no particular order, my top ten most mockable moments in Snow White and the Huntsman (spoilers for those who haven’t seen the movie):
- First off, the supposedly wise king gets taken in by this beautiful prisoner of war he rescues, so much so that he marries her in a day. Because we all know it’s not necessary to remotely get to know our potential bride. We should know on first sight that she’s going to stab us through the heart on our wedding night.
- The queen’s creepy brother has possibly the worst haircut ever seen in a fairy tale. It looked like they started out trying to do a sort of monkish bowl-cut and then a two year old gave him bangs. Don’t get me wrong. He was still creepy and definitely not right, but the hair made it hard for me to take him seriously as a credible threat.
- Fast forward a decade or so and Snow White escapes the palace on the sea cliffs, plunges into the sea, and comes out onto the beach where there just happens to be a white horse laying down, just waiting to carry her away from the palace soldiers on her tail. I’m sorry, was this supposed to be a hornless unicorn from Legend? Because a lot was being made of Snow White’s alleged purity and goodness.
- Then said horse carries her on a chase redolent of Arwen’s mad dash to get Frodo to safety and away from the ring wraiths in The Fellowship of the Ring (and Liv Tyler is hands down the better rider).
- And then said horse gets mired in the dark swamp and begins to sink, a la Artax sinking into the quicksand of the Nothing in The Neverending Story.
- Snow White then flees into the dark forest, which is really the Fireswamp on steroids, with some really kick ass hallucinogenic plantlife thrown in. Nice homage to The Princess Bride.
- After a capture and rescue by Thor, oh, no, I’m sorry, the huntsman, he and Snow White end up being captured by the dwarves (truly the most redeeming feature of this movie–I really loved the dwarves) and taken into Ferngully. No, seriously. The fairies (and since when are there fairies in Snow White?) looked exactly like residents from the rain forest.
- The Ferngully fairies then lead Snow White through the woods and over a big ridge where there’s an enormous light shining, and the blind dwarf (who was supposed to be Doc, I think), says “He’s coming!” Who? Aslan? Pretty sure that exact same shot was used for Narnia.
- After various other adventures, they finally make it to the castle of their allies, where Snow White gives what is supposed to be an inspirational speech that mostly inspired me to want to leave the theater. This was the longest stretch of dialogue she has in the whole movie (clearly the director also realized that Kristen Stewart is stuck as Bella and was trying to avoid having to have her speak much and reveal that fact).
- But her compatriots are roused and suddenly she is Snow of Arc, in perfectly fitting chain mail and armor that they just HAPPENED to have lying around in skinny, flat-chested, might be a crack addict size. And she marches in to face the queen and drops her shield. Because of course all she needs is the sword she’s never been taught to weild.
My general feeling was that, while cinemagraphically beautiful, this movie was a great concept with poor execution. The whole thing fell very short of my expectations and felt very rushed and thrown together. Mirror, Mirror was definitely the better of the two, IMO.