My brain is all over the place lately. I’ve got a zillion things I’m interested in outside of writing and fitness and necessary life and job stuff, and I’ve been dipping in to read here and there about all kinds of things.
- neural plasticity
Which doesn’t even begin to cover plot bunnies or current WIPs. This week I’ve started watching TED talks during breakfast. I always love these. They’re so interesting and thought provoking. And it’s been really nice to kind of have my brain think about…OTHER stuff for once.
I am, generally, an incredibly focused person. I’ve got my goals and my necessary stuff, and I tend to cut out all the irrelevant things and focus on those. I’ve been doing it for years, and while it’s incredibly efficient, it can also be very…draining. As a goal-oriented person on a time clock (albeit a personally set one), I’ve been busting chops to try to accomplish certain things in a specific time span (i.e. Doing as much as humanly possible to get my writing career off the ground before we have a kid).
It’s not gonna happen.
Not that it won’t happen ever, but it won’t happen in the time frame I set for myself. I’ll be 33 next month. Can’t keep putting the kid off forever (though I think my husband would be totally okay never having to change diapers). DOTH isn’t where it needs to be to do for me what I think it ultimately CAN do and will take months of revision. I’m writing a new class this year for Evil Day Job 2 for fall semester. I’m developing a class on ebook formatting for WANA International. I just (as always) have a lot on my plate that precludes me from having made as much progress toward my goal as I’d like.
When I initially realized this, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth (this would be totally in conjunction with getting my crit of DOTH back from The Pink Hammer, which always puts me in wailing/gnashing territory before motivating me to action). I’m not sure WHY exactly I have this feeling that a kid will ruin everything and suck up all my time and not let me write (well, except for the fact that kids take up a lot of time and I don’t have that much to spare without giving up other things). My MIL is already planning on lots of babysitting to give me time to do exactly that (which makes her the Number 1 MIL of the Universe IMO). But there’s absolutely this inner sense that if it doesn’t happen now, it’ll never happen. Which is an absolute cognitive fallacy. And doesn’t change the fact that kids scare the pooey out of me.
I’m working on adjusting to the idea. Because here’s the thing: I have not been living a balanced life. Drive and ambition and focus are great things–but like anything, they can be overdone. I tend to operate at 110% all the time and only stop when I’ve made myself absolutely sick from exhaustion and/or stress. This is not healthy. It was never MEANT to be a sustained thing, but I’ve been doing it for…9 years now? And it shows.
So I am slowing down. Well, sort of. I’m taking some time to look into other things that interest me. Do some more non fiction reading. Dare to actually DO SOME THINGS without a career goal in mind. And generally find some BALANCE in my life. With the idea that when I write, what I write will be better and more on target. See, you knew I couldn’t actually do something that didn’t ultimately come back to efficiency, didn’t you. It’s, like, etched into my DNA. But whatever. The point is, there’s no telling what might be popping up here on the blog in coming months.