It’s almost midnight. I should be in bed, sleeping like a sane person, except that I haven’t slept well the last several nights because I can’t quit coughing. And last night I was up, tossing and turning with anxiety dreams over the whole coming clean to my mother about my book. I could think of plenty of calm, rational ways to say I’d done it. What I couldn’t think of was a single, solitary answer to “Why didn’t you tell me?” that didn’t involve me saying something potentially snarky, rude, or hateful. Possibly all three. It’s an incredibly emotional issue for me, one that as a clinician I know is somewhat irrational. But you know what they say about a doctor who treats herself…
Once she got here I dropped a couple of small hints that she didn’t pick up on. And I was so flustered that she showed up without calling ahead of time to say when she’d be coming (the house wasn’t finished being cleaned and I hadn’t had a shower yet), so I put it off. Then we were out with the family. We all got into a discussion about the book business as one of the cousins (not present) is in management with Books A Million. So here I am discussing quite intelligently why brick and mortar stores are going to go under, with the exception of a handful of genres that are actually doing quite well during the recession–the DIY and…you guessed it, Romance. So I delivered a–well not eloquent, I’m still on sinus drugs–but a well balanced speech on why Romance is doing so well, how it makes up half of ALL books sold, etc., and how it’s all about making you feel good and empowering women, and how it’s awesome and, Mom, you should read some. It was a good lead in, right?
At which point my mother proceeds to denounce the entire genre and swears that she does not want, nor will she ever want to read romance. For no rational reason she could voice (because narrow-minded, prejudiced people rarely have anything rational to say as a REASON for their prejudices out side of “I just don’t.”). It was just a confirmation/repeat of the conversation we had 3 years ago. Which is further reinforcement of why I never told her to begin with.
So I didn’t tell her, and I’m just done. Forget it. If it comes out in the future, whatever, I’ll deal with it then. I’d much rather stick to my original plan, make a living, and have my “ha!”