Proof I’m Human

I am often called a Superwoman by my peeps on the interwebz.  This is largely due to my reputation for Doing All The Things and my freakish organizational capabilities.  Such declarations are AWESOME for my self-esteem, yo.  But lest anybody be mistaken otherwise, I am completely and totally human and there are things I suck at just like everyone else.  So I felt compelled to list some of those things.

  1. Bowling.  I got a potent reminder of this one this weekend on a double date with friends.  Nobody was willing to use bumpers (more’s the pity), so they all wound up with scores topping 100.  I got 62.  Second game they were all in the 90s.  I got 53.  I did a lot of flipping off of the gutters and had to fight not to pitch a fit.  Because, y’all, I’m a really crappy loser.  I’ve got a competitive streak a mile wide and my response to the things I’m not good at is…to just not do them.  I vote for Wii Bowling next time.  I’m good at that and there are no creepy shoes.
  2. Dance.  I’ve got rhythm.  I’ve got music.  I’ve got my man, who could ask for anything more?  I’m good on points B and C but A?  Forget it.  I am really bad at dancing.  Never mind the fact that I was in 2 years of show choir.  I’m 5’4″ and they chucked me on the back row where nobody could see me just because they needed an alto who could project (I’ve got a big mouth–I know that shocks you all).  My brief stint in ballet in 3rd grade was even worse (I blame this on the fact that people here start their kids in ballet at 4…I was 8.  You can see where I would have issues).
  3. Other sports with balls.  I think it’s safe to say that I’m lousy at any sport involving balls.  Particularly balls in conjunction with sticks (keep your mind out of the gutters, y’all).  I played park and rec softball in third and fourth grade.  My first year, we were so bad we didn’t win ANY games.  My second, we won two, one by default!  I still maintain that underhanded pitching is moronic, and it wasn’t until college that someone paid attention and said, “Hey you’re left handed, have you ever tried pitching with that one?”  In fact, I hadn’t.  I can kinda sorta aim when I pitch left handed, but only overhand, and that’s not enough to overcome the fact that I can’t usually hit the ball.  I’m really not much better with golf.  And don’t even get me started on tennis.
  4. Gardening.  I keep trying.  I have a veggie patch and EVERY SUMMER I try squash and zucchini.  You know all those stories about people who have ONE zucchini plant and have enough zucchini to feed the whole block?  Yeah, that’s not me.  I plant about 12 and usually only wind up with ONE zucchini before they die.  One year it was squash bugs.  One year some other pest.  One year they just didn’t grow.  I come from a family of black thumbs.  I do okay with herbs and pansies, and occasionally tomatoes, but otherwise…no.
  5. Computer programming languages.  One of our projects at work requires computer programming with PERL.  We hired a guy.  Then my boss got it into her head that because I was smart, I could learn to do what he does, just to make any tweaks we needed.  After having to call him back 5 times over the last few years to fix what I mucked up, I think I’ve finally convinced her that people go to school for this for a reason and that general smarts are simply not enough.
  6. Guitar.  I actually played guitar once upon a time.  I was never great.  Just decent with chords and stuff (strangely I DO have rhythm with THAT and with singing, just not my whole body).  But then I met my husband who is freaking AMAZING at guitar (and most other instruments, I might add), and I just kind of quit.  Because I couldn’t compete and I’d rather spend my time reading and writing than putting in the time and effort required to get even moderately good to his awesome.
  7. Baking sweets.  Now I confess, I could probably LEARN to be good at this, but my waistline can’t afford it.  Baking sweets seems to involve so much more chemistry than baking bread.  I can’t make pie crust from scratch.  Cakes…tend to fall.  My recent attempt at a simple syrup somehow turned into rock candy (shake the pan, don’t stir…I learned something new).  And cookies…well really, I like the dough better, so why bother baking?  The fact of the matter is that I don’t dare TRY to get good at this because, invariably I will then want to EAT STUFF.
  8. Using patterns.  It is of continual amusement to my mother, who taught me to sew, that I just cannot use patterns.  Can’t do it.  My brain doesn’t seem to comprehend how to do it.  I mean I get the whole lay it over, pin it on, cut it out…it’s after that I have issues.  Now I can reverse engineer stuff pretty well (as long as it isn’t clothing), but patterns just confuse the heck out of me.  Give me wood and power tools any day.

10 thoughts on “Proof I’m Human

  1. LOL!!! Oh my gosh, here I am thinking I am the only woman in the world who cannot grasp the idea of patterns or successful gardening.
    As far as bowling… I love Wii Bowling. LOVE it..
    Thanks for a glimpse into your imperfections.. it’s nice to know you are indeed human. 😀

  2. Oh my gosh, you are SUCH a failure. LOL Seriously, these just endeared you to me even though I don’t know you. 🙂 I hear ya about the gardening–oh the shame! Especially when I look at my mother-in-law’s beautiful, inviting garden with its roses and blueberry bushes… sniff. At least my computer doesn’t judge me. 😉

  3. This is so funny because I had an almost identical experience with bowling a few weeks ago! Your scores sound VERY familiar. LOL

    Most of those things you aren’t good at? I’m not either. I can grow roses and cactus, and I kill almost everything else. The only reason we have house plants is because my husband takes care of them.

    We’re all so glad to know you’re human. Then the rest of us don’t look so bad. 🙂

  4. Yeah. That. The whole “games with balls” thing has injured me more times than I can count. And… I *can* bake sweet stuff and garden… but I’m with you on whyever would I stock my kitchen with more stuff-that’s-not-good-for-us…? And I’m a strictly live-and-let-live gardener. I put it in the ground and hope for the best.
    From the other comments here… I wonder if most reading/writing-inclined folks share these traits…
    *innocent question*

  5. It’s funny how all these things can be mixed up in different amounts in different people. I can bowl decent (crack 90 at least), have a total black thumb, am tone deaf (dancing?? singing?? guitar???? I wish!!), can’t read patterns (must… have… knitting… steps… spelled… out…), can’t programme anything (one f&*%^% Java class brought down my whole GPA because I didn’t find out about the opt-out in time), but I can bake.
    And I’m a lefty, too 🙂

  6. Kait, we sound so much alike. I have to admit to not being good with group sports, or guitar. Now cooking and baking… I’ve got that covered. I figure if we can both organize and get things done, we’re the ones to conquer the world. Leave the group sports to others.

  7. Love the list! I use to bowl very good, but I am sure now. with my cracking knees and complaining back, my scores would be as bad as yours. Believe it or not, I am bad at finding a hobbie I think I like. Tried guitar, photography, ham radio, the list goes on. I am a bad handy man–thank god my wife isn’t, but I am a great cook! As to gardens, I try to stay away from those as much as possible.

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