Well I think it’s safe to say that the Efficiency 101 series is over. I mean, seriously, last Monday I posted about cleaning out your refrigerator. That was scraping the bottom of the barrel FOR SURE (and I feel compelled to admit that I still haven’t done it yet). So we’re moving on.
To what, I have no idea.
I certainly don’t feel qualified to instruct people in diddly squat lately (other than the stuff it’s my job to teach, and that I can mostly do in my sleep).
A lot of people look at me as an example or an inspiration. I can’t tell you how amazing and humbling and sometimes scary that is. It’s good motivation to stick to my guns on things (see 6 day GIT streak to the right–YEAH BABY!). But every once in a while it makes me want to look over my shoulder to see who is this so-called awesome person you’re looking at?
Because mostly, a lot of the time, I just feel like The Chick Who Gets Stuff Done…Because It Has To Get Done…And Nobody’s Gonna Do It For Her. (I freely admit to many pipe daydreams about having a housekeeper, a yard guy, and someone to iron my clothes–because I just wear them wrinkled. I am still rocking the poor grad student chic despite my advancement to a Grown Up Income.) It doesn’t feel like there’s any great secret or that I’m any kind of superwoman. It just so happens that my primary mechanism of coping with stress is to DO STUFF.
Which is awesome to a point. But eventually there’s a tipping point when there’s so much stress that I physically and mentally can’t take on anything else to DO. And then there’s this steady escalation of angry at each and every thing that interrupts the Chain of Things That Must Be Done, which eventually leads to a great big spiral of crazy where I’m perpetually caught up in old resentments from Past Stuff That Cannot Be Changed and freakouts about The Terrifying Future That Is Not Yet Here, such that there’s barely enough left of me in the Now to actually function, and my creativity is flat-lining in some sterile operating theater, while the rest of the world goes on blissfully unaware that I’m completely imploding.
And wow, that’s so not where I expected this post to go on a Monday morning when I haven’t even finished my caffeine yet.
Whatever. It’s out there now. I’m nothing if not honest with y’all.
So my current crusade, which is, I suppose, an extension of Operation Goddess In Training on the mental side of things, is to be better about being in the Now. I am shockingly un-mindful for a yoga practitioner. Which is terrible, as that’s kind of one of the major points of doing yoga. Back in college, before my life was overrun by Real Life Concerns like a mortgage, lots of bills, job crap, and taxes, I used to do meditation. I was never amazing at it. But I was pretty good at getting quiet and emptying my mind for a little while, at least.
The last time I tried that on purpose (when I tried out the meditation programs on New U), I was ready to crawl out of my skin in two minutes. So. Not. Happening. The only time these days when my brain seems to empty is when I’m doing chores. Washing dishes. Cooking dinner. Baking bread. Even mowing the grass. All low-key, menial kinds of things. And apparently they occupy JUST ENOUGH of my mind that it keeps me from wandering off on other things. So I figure I’m going to use this as a baby step toward getting back to being able to legitimately meditate and deliberately focus on being mindful of the Now when I’m doing all this stuff that has to be done every week no matter what. Which is really a better attitude to have toward chores anyway.
And hopefully it will be a step in the right direction of Letting Stuff Go.