Laying It All Out There

Well I think it’s safe to say that the Efficiency 101 series is over.  I mean, seriously, last Monday I posted about cleaning out your refrigerator.  That was scraping the bottom of the barrel FOR SURE (and I feel compelled to admit that I still haven’t done it yet).  So we’re moving on.

To what, I have no idea.

I certainly don’t feel qualified to instruct people in diddly squat lately (other than the stuff it’s my job to teach, and that I can mostly do in my sleep).

A lot of people look at me as an example or an inspiration.  I can’t tell you how amazing and humbling and sometimes scary that is.  It’s good motivation to stick to my guns on things (see 6 day GIT streak to the right–YEAH BABY!).  But every once in a while it makes me want to look over my shoulder to see who is this so-called awesome person you’re looking at? 

Because mostly, a lot of the time, I just feel like The Chick Who Gets Stuff Done…Because It Has To Get Done…And Nobody’s Gonna Do It For Her.  (I freely admit to many pipe daydreams about having a housekeeper, a yard guy, and someone to iron my clothes–because I just wear them wrinkled.  I am still rocking the poor grad student chic despite my advancement to a Grown Up Income.)  It doesn’t feel like there’s any great secret or that I’m any kind of superwoman.  It just so happens that my primary mechanism of coping with stress is to DO STUFF.

Which is awesome to a point.  But eventually there’s a tipping point when there’s so much stress that I physically and mentally can’t take on anything else to DO.  And then there’s this steady escalation of angry at each and every thing that interrupts the Chain of Things That Must Be Done, which eventually leads to a great big spiral of crazy where I’m perpetually caught up in old resentments from Past Stuff That Cannot Be Changed and freakouts about The Terrifying Future That Is Not Yet Here, such that there’s barely enough left of me in the Now to actually function, and my creativity is flat-lining in some sterile operating theater, while the rest of the world goes on blissfully unaware that I’m completely imploding.

And wow, that’s so not where I expected this post to go on a Monday morning when I haven’t even finished my caffeine yet.

Whatever.  It’s out there now.  I’m nothing if not honest with y’all.

So my current crusade, which is, I suppose, an extension of Operation Goddess In Training on the mental side of things, is to be better about being in the Now.  I am shockingly un-mindful for a yoga practitioner.  Which is terrible, as that’s kind of one of the major points of doing yoga.  Back in college, before my life was overrun by Real Life Concerns like a mortgage, lots of bills, job crap, and taxes, I used to do meditation.  I was never amazing at it.  But I was pretty good at getting quiet and emptying my mind for a little while, at least.

The last time I tried that on purpose (when I tried out the meditation programs on New U), I was ready to crawl out of my skin in two minutes.  So.  Not.  Happening.  The only time these days when my brain seems to empty is when I’m doing chores.  Washing dishes.  Cooking dinner.  Baking bread.  Even mowing the grass.  All low-key, menial kinds of things.  And apparently they occupy JUST ENOUGH of my mind that it keeps me from wandering off on other things.  So I figure I’m going to use this as a baby step toward getting back to being able to legitimately meditate and deliberately focus on being mindful of the Now when I’m doing all this stuff that has to be done every week no matter what.  Which is really a better attitude to have toward chores anyway.

And hopefully it will be a step in the right direction of Letting Stuff Go.

11 thoughts on “Laying It All Out There

  1. Implosions may be good for you in the long run. They help you realize you don’t have to do everything. That you can say “no” when someone asks you take on a new task; that you can let go of past responsibilities; that you are not responsible for making the world work. That you need down time in order to refuel your creativity.
    Best wishes on your new track.

    • WHAT? THE WORLD WILL KEEP ON SPINNING WITHOUT MY ACTIVE INPUT? 😀

      • Not really, she just said that to support your Letting Go ambitions!

  2. Kait, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I know you’re a strong woman, and it makes you MAD to feel this way. I think we all appreciate you sharing this with us, and letting us know how you feel.

    Maybe some of this is our fault, putting you up on a pedestal as a “hero” for the rest of us. And the truth is, you’re much more efficient and hard working than many of us are. But we all have to realize that you’re also human with the same frailties as the rest of us. I still think you’re a great example of many things that some of the rest of us should be, but I also think it’s good that we see the more “human” side of Kait. I’m sending good thoughts and prayers your way. *hugs*

    • Oh honey no. So not y’all’s fault. There are a lot of Big Life Stressors That I Cannot CONTROL going on and it’s messing with my head.

  3. You do have a yard guy………

  4. Funny thing about being an inspiration, you get that way by being yourself. And in my opinion the best inspirations are the ones with no clue why anyone bothers to listen to what they have to say.

    Sorry about all the stress. Been having some of that on the homefront and it’s a sucky part of life. But at least you’ve got this outlet to vent (yay for you and your honesty) and are finding other ways to manage that stuff. Who knows? This could be the kick-in-the-butt-post someone else needs.

    Inspiring indeed.

  5. Great post I like your honesty. Can writers meditate? I never could my brain is always full of something- plots, characters, ideas, etc.

  6. Kait, I love you for being so honest about this. I think we’ve all got our share of crazy stressors and worries, but like you, I’m a fiend about trying to control everything. One of the recurring nightmares I have involves me trying to hold onto things, but every time I try to grab onto one object, another goes flying out of my hands and into oblivion. I’ve been trying to remind myself of the serenity prayer I was taught as a kid, hoping that I can find “the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things that I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

  7. What subject are you passionate about? What is the subject that you could talk about for hours, days, or weeks even? My friend is passionate about horses. I spent my thirty minutes drifting from places to places while she stayed with the same person and talked about horses for the past thirty minutes. She’s been talking about them before I arrived and until after we’re about head out. Now, if you can find that topic…

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