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What To Do When There’s Only More Crap On The Horizon

The Hell Project at the Evil Day Job is drawing to a close.  I’ll be doing some traveling for final data collection from now to December and then it’ll be done.  Thanks be to every possible deity.

But there’s little room for celebration as the various and sundry potential projects lining up promise to be every bit as sucky.  My primary job is purely grant funded, so whatever my boss gets a hair to write a grant for that gets funded, that’s what we do.

My knee-jerk response to this is to cross every spare appendage and send up a prayer that  between now and then I will get a break in publishing that will allow me to get the hell out.  The prospect of more crappy projects makes me want to curl up in a ball and become agoraphobic (no disrespect intended to anyone who legitimately suffers from this debilitating anxiety disorder).

But, you know, I’ve been off on this whole positivity kick trying to find the good in everything, so I’m trying to shut away that knee jerk response to find something to be grateful for and positive about (above and beyond the whole being able to pay the mortgage and put food on the table part).   I intellectually recognize the arrogance and entitlement (something my generation is known for) in thinking that I should be successful by now.  That the world somehow owes me this.  And I absolutely grasp the concept that without the life struggles I’ve endured up to now, my writing would be the poorer for it.

But y’all, the prospect of having another year or more of crappy projects, on top of starting a family next year (otherwise known as life’s biggest time suck, no matter how cute), and trying to find the time and creative energy to keep writing in the middle of all that–I don’t know how I will do it.

Make no mistake.  I will do it because doing otherwise is not an option and I am the Queen of Nike Living (Just do it), but y’all, I’m tired.  This crap is soul sucking.  I’ve been doing it for years, and there’s a part of me that continues to wonder when I’ll just crack.  Because the body and mind can only take so much, you know?  Entitlement or not, when do I get a damn break?

5 thoughts on “What To Do When There’s Only More Crap On The Horizon

  1. Is there any possibility under the sun that you could get another equal paying job in the town you live in? I know it’s a small town, so maybe not. 🙁 I used to hate my job as badly as you do before my boss decided to sell part of the business and bring me to a different location. I know how a job like that can absolutely bring you down. And it also take time from your writing. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that DOTH will be your big break. You deserve better than a job you hate.

    1. Nope. There’s not much here. I’ve been trying for years to find a different researcher to work for, but nothing is available. My husband’s been looking for a new job for years too with no success. My ability to deal with my boss’s crap would be greatly enhanced by the implementation of a daily nap.

  2. Make sure to take care of yourself. Long-term stress can wreck havoc with your adrenal gland. My mother’s stopped producing adrenaline. Mine stopped producing SigA. That was more than 5 years ago, and we’re still recovering.

  3. This is why I heart you so much. I empathize with you immensely. My 50+ hour “day job” is a soul sucking sales driving black hole of all my energy and willpower. Add to the mix a boss that coaches like a daisy – She likes me, she hates me, she likes me, she REALLY hates me! Ahhh! It’s super stressful. Most days I don’t get any writing done. I’m lucky if I eat a normal meal and fall asleep in bed rather than the couch. Hence why I’m secretly applying for other work. But I hear ya too on the limited job pool. I’ve got two options right now which could be awesome if they work out. We’ll see. Last time I tried this I was one of over 200 applications and didn’t even make it through to interviews, which is really disheartening when you know you’re a hard worker.

    Hang in there, Kait! Hit me up on google chat whenever you need to! You know we can make each other laugh! I’ll confess more horrible date stories or mail you some chili… *Hugs* I’m thinkin of ya!

  4. I learned the hard way that when a job starts killing you from the inside out, it’s time to look for a new one. Sometimes, just updating your resume, calling your connections, networking, and searching the job boards and the classifieds to see what’s out there can rejuvenate you. It sounds like the job is taking time and energy from the things you would rather use them on. That’s not good. Take care of yourself.

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