I’ll warn you, I’m in a funk.
I have not been happy with anything I’ve written since I started this new draft of AW. Actually I haven’t been happy with anything I’ve written since I stopped writing. Damn it. Naomi (that would be my internal editor for those who don’t know) came back from Jamaica or Alaska or wherever the hell I sent her this last time and she’s refusing to budge. Damn squatter. Unwelcome guest. I have begun this story 3 or 4 times now (this draft I mean), and I just…it’s not THERE. I don’t know if it’s because I’m just getting started again and having a hard time getting into it or if it’s because I’ve been out so long. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to do everything. And my poor crit partner keeps getting subjected to the suckage and trying to make helpful suggestions, but if it sucks that bad there’s not much you can do but try again. She made a pass at what I’d done and it was better. It usually is. Which makes me both grateful and cranky. Why can’t I do that right now? Did you detect a whine? Yes, yes, you did.
I hate whining. I hate that I’ve been reduced to whining because I’m underslept, overworked, and not helped out around the house enough just now (and I will spare you the details of the dish war I’m having with my husband). I feel like there’s nothing left for the writing. Normally I’m a big proponent of “if you want to write, you will make the time”–but damn. I can’t even meet the most minimal goal–even with the suckage. I may be reducing them to “write words–any words–every day” until I can at least meet THOSE goals and get a little confidence back.
This is so weird for me. Normally I’m very confident (okay, yeah, even arrogant at times) about my abilities as a writer. I rarely question my capability.
I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know if I need to feed the well by reading some kick ass authors–though in my present state of mind, I think I might find that more discouraging than encouraging, or if I need to go back and read some of my own work to remind myself oh yeah, I can actually do this…I remember how now. Or maybe I need to read some books on craft–I’ve got a couple from the library.
I don’t know what I need, but I need something to boot me out of this dark place I’ve fallen into.