In the beginning…
Several years ago, I started a self directed goal of taking better care of my body–through fitness, better nutrition, skincare, the works. And I dubbed it Operation Goddess In Training because the idea was to treat myself like the goddess I know I can be (this would be before the term for inner goddess was hijacked and ruined by 50 Shades). For a long time things on that front went really well. I got back into good routines, into much better shape post grad school and it was a way of looking at health and fitness that was a lot more psychologically healthy than what I grew up thinking in terms of short cuts and yo-yo dieting and quick fixes. Years later, I am in a much better place mentally. I’m a lot more at home in the body God gave me and no longer concerned with being a size 2. Everything is a lot more about FEELING GOOD. So on that front, I feel I’ve been successful. My skin is a thousand times better than it used to be.
But five years ago, Daisy had her spinal stroke and our whole life changed. Instead of long walks at least once, often twice a day, we went through a phase where there weren’t any walks at all because we couldn’t bear the look on Daisy’s face when we took Callie and not her because she couldn’t walk. The whole thing just led to a much more sedentary lifestyle that we simply haven’t quite managed to overcome in the year since her passing. Daily walks resumed, but they aren’t as long as they used to be (mile and a half instead of nearly three). I’ve fallen down on my weight lifting and gotten bored. I had a good year where I was running regularly, but then the treadmill died. Even once we joined the gym, the last time I tried to do C25K, running gave me a straight up histamine response and I kept ITCHING so bad, I couldn’t keep it up.
In the middle of all this, hubby turned out to be gluten intolerant. A few years after that, I turned out to be allergic to casein. Both of those things led to massive changes in our diet–for the better on a lot of fronts. Lots more fruits and veggies and organics, avoiding GMOs and other inflammatory sorts of foods. Very little in the way of processed foods. But the curious side effect of clean eating? The less tolerance you have for any of the crap. Given that the vast majority of the world doesn’t eat this way, it makes for some problems. Because I’ve gotten to a point where a single slip (aka, having one of those cookies at the office or eating something out or having a hard cider and I’m dealing with the consequences for anywhere from three days to a week. Which means actual progress is nonexistent and that’s bloody frustrating. It feels like it’s a choice between being a normal, social human or being a hermit and getting somewhere. It feels like I’m being betrayed by my body. I mean, seriously? I can’t have Sour Patch Kids or a cookie or alcohol or a whole plethora of tasty but logically bad for you foods anymore? Stuff that I ate with apparent impunity for YEARS? Le Sigh.
Making some changes
I finally realized I’m currently showing most of the symptoms of leaky gut, so yesterday I started the protocol for that. Had plenty of experience when we did this with hubby. Teenager left today for a two week visit with her grandparents, so I’m gearing up for a two week stint of getting my eating back on track. Picking back up with my protein shakes for breakfast and lunch and pulling out the smaller dishes to reset my appetite. I am forced to acknowledge at 36 I can no longer eat the quantities I used to…at least not without being hella more active than I am right now. And given it was 98 degrees yesterday WITHOUT the heat index, being super more active right now is not what you call real appealing. The whole active thing is sort of an issue right now. So…I decided to go back to what I did when I started Operation Goddess In Training in the first place.
Back to the beginning
I started this journey with my Wii. it was when the things were pretty much new. I started with Wii Fit, expanded to New U Yoga and Gold’s Gym Cardio Boxing. I added in running and weighted hula hooping and weights, all in turn. So…I’m going back there. I’m starting over. Today I put fresh batteries in my Wiimotes and the Wii Balance board and I popped in Wii Fit for the first time in 5 years. I’m twenty pounds heavier than I was the last time I used it (which I already knew)–that means, of course, that my little Mii suddenly blimped up to a bowling ball with arms and legs. Fine. Whatever. It’s making me start over and unlock everything all over again. So I started that process today. And it’s another step in the right direction. I’m in a place of baby steps. And that’s okay. As long as those steps are in the right direction. I’m going to start focusing on the things I do right instead of the things I’ve done wrong. They’re done. I’m not.
And because of the consequences I absolutely know that I’ll have from eating some of these things, it makes it easier to say no. Doesn’t always happen, but the consequences are severe enough that I definitely give some serious thought to violating those restrictions. And I definitely have the positive reinforcement of feeling amazing when I actually DO stick to things. Changing lifestyles is rough.